Raising children in a child-centred society …
Should children call the shots?
We live in a child-centred society. A school teacher said, “The teachers are afraid of the principal, the principal is afraid of the superintendent, the superintendent is afraid of the Board, the Board members are afraid of the parents, the parents are afraid of the children, and the children aren’t afraid of anyone!”
Should children be calling the shots? What happens in our schools links directly to what happens in our homes. Since most parents spend their days working outside the home, the media, other adults, and peers raise many children.
This issue is complex. While most parents are involved in raising their children, they often struggle to do it adequately because they’re time-strapped, stressed, tired, conflicted, or overwhelmed. Is this how it should be? Or is there a better way?
What Ephesians 6 says about family relationships.
Here’s what the Bible says about raising children in a child-centred society:
“Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. ‘Honour your father and mother’ – which is the first commandment with a promise – ‘so that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth.’ Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord” Ephesians 6:1-4.
The Greek word for “children” is tekna – meaning offspring. I’m in my sixties, the offspring of George and Avril, my parents. I’ll always be the child of my parents, regardless of my age. We’re all someone’s son or daughter – all children of our parents.
The Greek word for “children” differs from the Greek word for “infants.” Little children aren’t the focus of this text because babies or toddlers can’t be told and don’t understand what it means to obey their parents in the Lord. The Ephesians 6:1-3 command holds no meaning for a two or three-year-old. So, don’t expect young children to obey and honour their parents.
Ephesians 6:1-3 is for children who are old enough to understand that the command comes from God and, as such, should be obeyed. It’s for children who recognize God’s sovereignty. And it’s for parents who love the Lord and live under the control of the Holy Spirit.
What the Old Testament says about family relationships.
We should also note that this command echoes Solomon’s proverbs. “Listen, my son, to your father’s instruction and do not forsake your mother’s teaching“ Proverbs 1:8. “Listen, my sons, to a father’s instruction; pay attention and gain understanding. I give you sound learning, so do not forsake my teaching” Proverbs 4:1-2. “Listen, my son, accept what I say, and the years of your life will be many” Proverbs 4:10. “My son, keep my words and store up my commands within you” Proverbs 7:1.
Every Christian parent is charged with teaching their children God’s Word (cf. Deuteronomy 6:7), and every child should set their hope in Jesus and live for Him (cf. Psalm 78:1-8). Most importantly, this is the basic command that makes a family work. I say “basic” because it’s part of the Ten Commandments given to society for the good of all (cf. Exodus 20:12); therefore, don’t dismiss or disregard this command, because it’s only when it’s obeyed that you’ll have the right family relationships.
Restoring God’s order in families.
Examining Ephesians 6:1-4 more closely provides more detailed information about raising children in a child-centred society.
Submission of the children (v. 1-3).
“Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. ‘Honour your father and mother’ (this is the first commandment with a promise), ‘that it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land’” Ephesians 6:1-3.
The Greek word for “obey” is hypakouete (present imperative), meaning “to submit.” To have the right family relationships, everyone must be submissive (cf. Ephesians 5:21), i.e., lay aside their rights and humbly serve one another in love. Wives must submit to husbands, and husbands must submit to wives. Children must submit to parents, and parents must submit to God.
So, how should children submit? By doing what their parents tell them to do. Not reluctantly or unwillingly. Note the phrase “for this is right.” There’s a right and a wrong way to relate to parents. Children should obey their parents because it is pleasing to God (cf. Ephesians 5:10).
Now note the phrase “in the Lord.” Must children obey everything their parents tell them to do? There’s not a single parent who merits absolute allegiance. If a parent is abusive, neglectful, or foolish, they shouldn’t be obeyed in the same way you’d obey a good parent.
John Chrysostom, the ancient patriarch of Constantinople, says, “They [parents] are to be obeyed in whatever way they are not offending against God.” In other words, if a parent tries to get a child to sin – to do something God doesn’t want the child to do – the child must disobey the parent.
Considering the abovementioned exceptions, God expects children to obey and honour their parents. The action is obedience, and the attitude is honour. To honour parents is to respect and esteem them.
But here’s the reality: Children without Christ aren’t wired to obey and honour their parents. They’re rascals and rogues – alienated from God and enemies of God. As it says in Proverbs 22:15, “Folly is bound up in the heart of a child.” Because a child’s heart is full of foolishness, we must prioritize leading them to Jesus. If we don’t, they’ll resist our efforts to teach them to obey and honour their parents.
The good news in Ephesians 6:1-3 is that when children obey and honour their parents, God promises quality and quantity of life. It’s a conditional promise. When children obey and honour their parents, God will see that they live well and long, according to His plans and purpose.
Submission of the parents (v. 4).
“Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord” Ephesians 6:4.
So, how do parents submit? By disciplining and instructing their children in the Lord (v. 4).
If a parent withholds correction and discipline from their children, it is likely that they don’t truly love them. “Discipline your children, for in that there is hope” Proverbs 1:18. If you don’t discipline your children, they may break your heart! But if you discipline your child, “they will give you peace; they will bring you the delights you desire” Proverbs 29:17.
Raising children to love and live for the Lord is a tall task. Can we raise children who will obey and honour their parents, or is it a pipe dream?
One in twenty Christian families has daily prayer and Bible reading. For hope to be credible in the future, it has to be tangible in the present. Many Christian parents are shirking their responsibility to train up their children in the way they should go (cf. Proverbs 22:6). They want somebody else to do it because they’re too busy.
Are you disciplining your children? Are you correcting them with words, actions, and warnings? Discipline is teaching your children that there are consequences. If you don’t discipline your children according to God’s Word, they will be a disgrace, a sorrow or a humiliation to you (e.g., Proverbs 10:1, 15:20, 29:15).
Here’s the issue: Children abuse their parents when there’s no discipline in the home. So, discipline your children. But don’t discipline in anger. If you do, you’ll provoke your children to anger.
The aim of discipline should be to make your children sorry for not pleasing the Lord, not angry. The way to do this is to teach them God’s Word. “Impress them (the Scriptures) on your children” Deuteronomy 6:7.
Teaching children to obey and honour.
No one can be a substitute for a parent. God’s placed your children in your family because, with His help, you’re the best person to teach your children about the works and wonders of the Lord. This can’t be emphasized enough, as it’s a key emphasis in God’s Word. The most important place to serve the Lord is in your home. To raise children who will obey and honour their parents (and others), you, the parent, must discipline and instruct your children.
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Summary
In today’s child-centred society, many question whether children should be in charge. Counterculturally, the Bible, specifically Ephesians 6:1-4, offers clear guidance on the importance of children obeying and honouring their parents, emphasizing that this leads to a well-lived life. It also highlights the responsibility of parents to provide discipline and instruction in the Lord. Ultimately, raising children in a child-centred society requires both children’s submission to their parents and the parents’ commitment to guiding their children to observe God’s Word.
© Scripture Union, 2025
Soli Deo Gloria
2 Corinthians 4:5
